Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
