the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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