we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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