The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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