i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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