her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
