I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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