I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
