Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
