As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
