It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize