you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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