I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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