I think I died a long time ago.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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