can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
