he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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