I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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