If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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