it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
