ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
as a side note pls kill me
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
