I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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