i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
