i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
