Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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