As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My boob is missing a layer of skin
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
