I love black thongs
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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