I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
