Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
