I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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