got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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