Define "chronic" masturbator.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
