The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
