Yo dont text me then not text me
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
