I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
