Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
