I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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