She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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