hotel room ftw
he thought i was a dude.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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