How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
