fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
