Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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