Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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