There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
How's work?
Spinning.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
