i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
