He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
