i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
