Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
