the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
