the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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