Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
