I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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