How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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