She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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