what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
