Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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