i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
